I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
