Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
