glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Randomize
