my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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