____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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