I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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