she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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