He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
