so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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