while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Sorry about my life...
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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