the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
