So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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