Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
