Plan B is the new Plan A
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize