you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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