Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
