who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
