Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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