I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
