i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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