I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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