I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
