I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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