She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
