I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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