have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
