I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
BRING THE BAGELS
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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