i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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