So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
