I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Come see our sink grown plant.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
