I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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