Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
