worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
