Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I've blown a few things in my day
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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