Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
