haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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