I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize