Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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