If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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