I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
