I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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