We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
