i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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