i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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