I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
