you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize