y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
