I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
