if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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