Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
