Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
