Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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