i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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