you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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