i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
