obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
