It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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