I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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