Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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