Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
