To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
